All My Thank Yous

Hey Amy, what happens if you bend over?

And I want to thank everyone who made it possible for me to get up here and thank everyone who made it possible for me to get up here and thank everyone who made it possible for me to thank everyone ... except the ones I forgot ...

Honestly, I have no idea why I sat through it. Last night I only caught bits and pieces. I should have left it at that. But this morning I sat down intending to just catch the Fey/Poehler intro, and much to my dismay stuck around for all the stuff I missed. Now I am wondering why I let all that vacuousness suck up so much valuable brain time. What did I learn? Well, a lot of people I think are great were of course "just happy to be nominated." And really you should be. Top five is great, and it is pretty arbitrary from there.

So, leaving aside talent, popularity, who you know, and being in the right place at the right time, let's get down to what really counts. Your fashion choices. Because if you didn't choose your dress yourself, then you chose the stylist who chose your dress, or you chose the publicist who chose your stylist, etc. Either way it come down to you. To your judgement. To the picture of yourself you present to the world. Personally, I think the more flesh you show the more insecure you are. Just relax and be sexy. Don't embarrass yourself by looking like you are trying too hard.

A lovely woman. An unfortunate choice.

I know it isn't fair. The men don't get too wild in the tuxedo variations. How shocking can a purple tie ever be? What if we switched it up one year? What if all the women wore more or less the same suit, and all the men had to parade themselves around trying to outdo each other in sexiness? Let's just close our eyes and imagine that for a while.

What are the clothing categories this year? Well, there is the Not Enough Coverage award—also known as Go Home and Put Some Clothes On. A subcategory of this is the William Ware Theiss Award for costume Most Likely to Malfunction.

Then we have the Mermaid, the Naked and Sparkly, the What Were You Thinking?, the I Know I'm Not Hot and I Just Want to Not Look Ridiculous. And let's not leave out the woman over 40 who knows how to look Elegant. Helen Mirren inspires me every year.

The most eye-catching trend this year would have to be the deep plunge. It is a narrow plunge, not a wide off the shoulder thing. This year's plunge requires a 1/3 to 3/4 view of perfectly rounded neat little orbs. Motionless orbs. Not a lot of jiggle last night, just a lot of skin. The magic of invisible suspension and glue. In this photo Jessica Chastain wears the plunge du jour. It goes all the way down and on the way reveals some unnaturally perky curves.

A steady trend this year went back to the simple strapless—with widely varying results. The trouble with the strapless is that you are either too thin and the dress is wearing you, or you have a little too much flab squeezing out in front of your armpits. (Debra Messing I'm looking at you.)

While you were asleep you forgot I am the arbiter of good taste. Usually I keep a low profile, but the claws come out in awards season. I'm trying to get some photos, but I'm getting very frustrated.

~~~~06.21.13
I had much more to say here, life interrupted.